You Are Gay
by Jyubi
Summary: A write-over of the song "You're a God" by Vertical Horizon. Hilde bashing, and a LOT of yaoi. Read it! It's funny!


You Are Gay  
By Nimue  
  
Hi! This is a write-over of the awesome song "You're a God" by Vertical Horizon. Sorry to die-hard Duo/Hilde fans who might not find this very funny...Personally I think the only character more annoying than Hilde is Relena...*shudders* And here is your final warning: If you haven't figured it out already, this story contains MAJOR yaoi as well as some unusual pairings. *coughs* This fic also deserves its R rating, so if you don't like reading stuff like that, I suggest you leave now.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Vertical Horizon...*sigh* But they're really cool...And unfortunately, I don't own Gundam Wing. If you sue me, all you will get is my collection of action figures...Now, on with the fic! *'s indicate song lyrics and character's thoughts are in between .  
  
  
Duo walked in the door of his house and was surprised to find Hilde sitting at the kitchen table.  
"Hilde? You're off from work early..."  
She had an odd look on her face. "Duo...We need to talk."  
  
*I've gotta be honest*  
  
Duo sat down across the table from her. "What's up, Hilde?" Duo asked casually.  
  
*I think you know*   
  
"I...need to...ask you something."   
Duo looked slightly nervous. "What?"  
  
*We're covered in lies and that's OK   
There's somewhere beyond this, I know*  
  
"Do you...Are you..." Hilde couldn't bring herself to say it. It can't be true...Can it?  
"What are you talking about?" Duo asked.   
  
  
*But I hope I can find the words to say*  
  
Hilde took a deep breath and said her next sentence as one word. "AreyougayDuo?"   
Duo stared at her. "How did you find out?!" He exclaimed. "I mean...Uh..." He tried to cover up, but it was already too late.   
It's true... Hilde thought. And I swore to myself I wouldn't ever again...Not after Quatre...  
  
* Never again, no...   
No, never again...*  
  
"So...You're gay...Well, that certainly explains the lack of enthusiasm." Hilde said dryly.   
"Yeah...But it's so hard to be enthusiastic with anyone else after Heero..." Duo stopped.  
"HEERO?!" Hilde shrieked. "You two..."  
"Uh, yeah...They don't call him the "Perfect" Soldier for nothing. No wonder Relena liked him so much. Course, the reason she committed suicide was when she found out about us..." He looked at Hilde, who was turning a rather brilliant shade of purple. "Does this mean you're gonna break up with me?"   
"OF COURSE IT MEANS I'M GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU! I DON'T DATE GAY GUYS!" Hilde exploded.  
  
*'Cause you are gay  
And I am not  
And I just thought  
That you would know*  
  
"You don't date gay guys? What about Quatre?" Duo asked.  
"I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GAY UNTIL I CAUGHT HIM SENDING NUDE PICTURES OF HIMSELF TO TROWA!"  
"Okay, that was a little too much information..." Duo said. "Hey, how did you find out about me?"  
Hilde composed herself. "Let's see...Number one: you have unusually long, braided hair. Number two: I didn't say anything, but I could have sworn that one night you yelled "Heero" instead of "Hilde."   
"Yeah, just wishful thinking." Duo said.  
Hilde started turning purple again.  
  
*'Cause you are gay  
And I am not  
And I just thought   
I'd let you go*  
  
"WELL NOW YOU CAN GO SCREW YOUR PRECIOUS PERFECT SOLDIER ALL YOU WANT!" She screamed, and then calmed down again. "Number three: No guy can look as goddamn gorgeous as you and not be gay. There's got to be a law against that somewhere."  
"But...We've been together all this time...If you had come up with all those reasons, why didn't you dump me sooner?"  
  
*But I've been unable   
To put you down*  
  
"Well...When you feel like being enthusiastic, you can be pretty good..."  
Duo laughed. "Heero's taught me a lot. Hey, maybe sometime the three of us could--"  
"NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!" Hilde yelled.   
"I was just suggesting it...I think it'd be fun...Heero really is amazing..."  
"Really?"   
  
* I'm still learning things I ought to know by now*  
  
"Yeah, the other night when you were gone-" Duo stopped, a second short from telling Hilde something he knew she DID NOT want to hear.  
  
*It's under the table, so  
I need something more to show somehow*  
  
"What?"   
"Um...You probably don't want to know..."  
"Tell me. I want to know what you find so fascinating about him."   
"OK...But you asked for it..." He whispered something in her ear, and watched as her eyes widened.  
"You never did that with me!"  
"You're not that...flexible."   
"I had no idea you were that...Creative..."  
"Hehe...Actually, Trowa and Quatre gave us the idea..."  
  
*Never again, no...  
No, never again...*  
  
Hilde swore. "I've just been missing one big f****** orgy, haven't I?!"   
Duo grinned. "You're welcome to join in...You know, sometimes Sally and Wufei join us...That's always interesting..."  
  
*You are gay  
(Oh, and I am not)*  
  
Hilde opened her mouth and closed it, unable to find words to express what she was thinking.   
"Zechs and Noin though...They never were much for doing it in groups. But Zechs gives pretty good advice."  
  
*I just thought that you would know...  
(Oh, I thought that you would know)*  
  
"And it's too bad that Treize died...He and Lady Une were really good too..."  
Hilde's eyes became even wider.  
Duo looked at her. "What?" He asked innocently.   
  
*You are gay  
(Oh, and I am not)*  
  
"Is...there...anyone...you...HAVEN'T slept with?!"   
Duo became serious. "I never, ever did Relena. I swear." He grinned again. "And you know me, I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie."  
Hilde looked like she was going to yell again, but the phone rang suddenly. Duo grabbed it first.  
"Hello...Oh...Heero...Sure, I'm not busy tonight...Yeah, I'll ask her, but I don't think she'll want to..." He turned to Hilde. "Hey, Hilde, do you wanna-"  
He stopped when he noticed she was glaring at him.  
"Nope, she doesn't want to, Hee-chan. I know! She has no idea what she's missing...See ya soon!" He hung up the phone.  
"Um...Bye...Hilde..."   
"You...guys...are...just...wrong..." She managed to stutter as he walked out the door.  
  
*I just thought  
I'd let you go*  
  
She sat there for a few minutes, wondering what had gone wrong in the world, when the phone rang again.  
"Heero, Duo already left-Oh...Dorothy?" A rather devious grin crossed her face. "No, I don't have any plans for tonight...What do you suggest we...do?"  
  
~End~  
  
Hehehe...I need help, I know...It's up to you to decide what happened at the end. (Hmm...I wonder what Hilde and Dorothy are going to do...You sickos! How could you even think such a thing? She said she's not gay, after all...But she never said if she was telling the truth or not...^_^) Review? Please?  
  
  



End file.
